To Borrow a Phrase, "Be All That You Can Be"

Years ago, when I fell by accident into the profession of college English teaching, I assessed the future I imagined for myself.  The year was 1965.  And somehow through the magic and mystery of history, there were at that time far more openings for teachers than there were teachers to fill them.  I saw for myself a lifetime of moving up from school to school, "professing" to eager students, and ending up at some very comfortable liberal arts college where my duties would never be terribly demanding and I would become beloved and crotchety, a shaggy-headed, tweed-wearing, old-man-on-campus.  A legend.

In short, my limited imagination allowed only for this dreary cliche of my future self.

The market for college English teachers dried up almost immediately after I entered it, which condemned me to a lifetime of junior college teaching.  I was still in the profession, but just barely, and so I worked hard to launch myself back into my dream position.  To that end, I picked up a hard-earned Ph.D. from NYU and determined to become a publishing scholar, a track that led me to writing scholarly books and journal articles--and then to branch out through movie reviewing into a more popular style that gradually seeped into my academic writing.  The goal was to be scholarly without being academic.  I found some success along those lines too.

I tried to be all I could be in my chosen field, and even though I never (thank God) reached my movie script image of being a college professor, I did do some good work with under-prepared students who were reinventing themselves into successful college graduates.  It was wonderful work with wonderful students I came to love.  I did become all that I could be--and was damn proud of it.

As to the writing, well, I haven't become as good a writer as I wanted to be, but here and there I did come close enough to satisfy my imagination.  And being all you can be is, after all, a lifetime challenge, so, and I'm very happy about this, I'm still working at it.

Females for Felons

The New York Times reported this week that Alan Abel at age 94 died--for the second time.  He first died in 1980, the Times running his obituary and calling him at that time a "satirist."  Which was true.  For his second death, the Times called him an "Ace Hoaxer."  Which is also true as he had hoaxed his first death.

His first major hoax was his 1959 campaign to clothe animals through the Society for Indecency to Naked Animals, SINA, which eventually boasted chapters throughout the country and a slogan that got lots of national attention:  "A nude horse is a rude horse."  Time magazine exposed the hoax in 1963.

In 1964 he backed a presidential candidate who was never actually seen, Yetta Bronstein, a grandmother living in the Bronx, he said, who supported National Bingo Tournaments and truth serum in congressional drinking water.

The list of hoaxes went on like  Omar's School for Beggars, "which claimed," according to the Times's Margalit Fox, "to teach the nouveau poor the gentle art of panhandling."  Then there was the Topless String Quartet that Frank Sinatra reportedly wanted to schedule a recording session with, and the Ku Klux Klan Symphony Orchestra that one-time Klan Grand Wizard David Duke offered to conduct.  There were also Euthanasia Cruises "for people who wanted to expire in luxury."

Abel's crowning hoax was the one he called Females for Felons, "a group of Junior Leaguers who selflessly donated sex to the incarcerated."

I'm hoping for a third death.

Booming or Failing?

Most measures of our economy have to do with corporate health like the Dow Jones Industrial Average that is resting today at just under 26,000.  Or the unemployment rate that is currently less than 4 percent.  But at the same time corporations are showing billions of dollars in profits, working men and women are receiving average raises of 2.7 percent, less than the 2.9 percent rate of inflation, as reported by William Falk, Editor-in-Chief of The Week magazine (September 14, 2018). 

The reason, according to Falk, is an unbalanced accountability.  Corporate profits are directed to stockholders and management, not employees.  "On Wall Street, rising wages are seen as proof of bad management."

And thus the economy booms for investors and fails for workers.

It makes no sense, but Donald Trump claims credit for the business boom and claims at the same time to be the standard bearer of America's undervalued working men and women, and even though he has done nothing for average wage earners, his political base after all, they continue to stand behind him.

One would think that reason will eventually be returned to her throne.  That Trump's political base will eventually see they've been sold a bill of goods from America's slickest snake-oil salesman.  Surely they will come to their senses sooner or later, won't they?

A Sure-Fire, Double-Your-Money-Back Guaranteed Method to Develop Patience. . .

Never ever look at the clock on your car dashboard.

Accept the fact that you are going to be late.  Stay within the speed limit.  Come to a full stop at all stop signs. Never speed up through yellow lights. And never, ever look at the dashboard clock.

The first time you are actually able to do this, you'll want to call me up to say thank you.

A News Item. (No, Really. It's Florida, but Still. . .)

As reported in The Week, September 7, 2018.
     "A Florida security guard was fired from his job after his bosses discovered that he'b been posting videos of his thunderous flatulence on Instagram for six months.  The man, who goes by the name Paul Flart, began recording his farts after noticing that the hospital lobby where he worked the night shift had 'really great acoustics.'  Flart soon accumulated 52,000 followers, but was sacked after his employer became aware he was videoing himself while he was on the job.  Flart says he's since been contacted about hosting a flatulence-based TV show.  'There's a whole new opportunity out there for me now.'"